What’s wrong with me?
by ThatJimGuy on Dec.23, 2009, under Family, General, Health
Man, I am just tired ALL the time and don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t know if I’m sick or just depressed (or both). I threw my back out over a week ago, and am still in a great amount of pain. I also blew my budget this month, spending too much on Christmas presents. Maybe it’s just seasonal depression coupled with a cold or the flu and coming down hard on myself for not managing my budget correctly. I get overly excited sometimes, and this is the first year I have been able to get presents for my kids’ birthdays and Christmas since they were 2 and 3 and now they are 15 and soon-to-be 16. I got so excited about being able to get them presents, I spent too much. I’m disabled and don’t get much on SSDI and half of that goes towards my rent. Financial experts state that you should spend no more than 1/3 of your income on rent, so that’s hard just in itself.
I’ll be OK, I’m not gonna starve or anything. I’ve learned how to make very cheap meals (like $1.00/meal) and need to lose weight anyway (lol).
So I guess my New Year’s resolution will be to manage my money better and not get overly “excited” or borderline manic and spend too much on things other than what I need to survive. In short, I have to save money and anything I buy that is considered “luxury” should be from my savings, not my monthly check.
Anyway, I haven’t posted anything in a while, and it’s because my panic attacks have gotten worse and because I am just sooo tired all the time. I’ll try to keep filling in all the missing pieces, especially over the past year or so and hope that this general malaise gets lifted and I can get the things done that need to be done, not lay around feeling terrible all day :-\
I wish everyone who reads this the very best during this holiday season, and if you get seasonal depression like I do, hang in there. I will 
~jim
Updated 2009.12.23.19.05.45
I’ve been thinking about this, and it really wasn’t the Christmas presents that caused me to blow my budget, I did budget that correctly. The problem is that I did not allow for “emergency” or “unforseen” bills/charges and indulged in some things I shouldn’t have. For example, I got double billed from my ISP because for some reason, they did not bill me last month, and I did not realize it until I got double billed this month. Also, I have an email account that is paid yearly, and for some reason, the email provider billed me again in December when I think they should have only billed me once per year (I have to check on this). Now for “indulgences”: I ordered pizza twice this month and I normally only do this once per month. I also paid for and downloaded more music than my plan allotted (I didn’t have enough credits to get what I wanted so I bought “booster packs”. I just went kinda nuts on my music downloads. Other things include buying a steak, which I really can’t afford, but I was in a good mood and everything was fine and I thought I could afford it, just like the pizzas. I also got a subscription to Scientific American, which I have not had for years. I really like it and I read it cover to cover, but this, again, was not a “need” this was a “want”. There are many other things I did wrong this month, but basically I went totally against my motto: “Food, Water, Shelter. All else is luxury”. My bad and now I will pay for it. I bought plenty of rice and beans and some pasta on sale, so again, I’m not going to starve, and I do need to lose some weight since I’ve gained a bit because I threw out my back and haven’t been exercising or even walking very much as I usually do.
Also, my doctor put me on some new prescriptions and my psych. changed one of my prescriptions, which I think is one of the major causes of this awful tiredness that I am feeling all the time, no matter how much sleep I get!
I’ll make it. I’ll get over the depression and spend what I have left wisely on food and hope to feel better soon so I can get out and exercise, which is always a mood-booster anyway
I did manage to walk to the store tonight, but when I got home, I threw up, so I do believe that I have the flu, I don’t think it’s just a cold anymore and although a day or two ago, I was feeling better, I think it was premature to think I had fully recovered.
Well, there it is. This is life with panic disorder and how difficult it can be with added complications. Again, I share this because I hope to help others, or at least to let them know that they are not alone, and that despite mistakes, we all can make it just fine. I’m convinced of it, and I will never give up!
~jim
come
by ThatJimGuy on Nov.29, 2009, under General, Poetry & Prose
come
—-
come
i can smell your
sweated scent
beyond the shifting
fringes
of my
dark
reality
come
i can hear your
light stalking
forest feet
beneath my song
howl with me
at that shivering
night
sky
come
let me lick
clean
your fur
we shall bathe
entwined
under our
naked
moon
Paths I
by ThatJimGuy on Nov.29, 2009, under General, Poetry & Prose
Paths I
——-
Oh please never
stop
thinking your thoughts
out loud like thunder
sometimes like rain
soft summer misty cool
surround me
your essence
If you were but to speak
I can listen, too.
Traveling paths
no one ever noticed
or dared not walk
you DO have your beat
your drum, you lead
reluctant it seems
or perhaps you know
not
that others try to follow
that rhythm ever
changing yet constant
somehow
The Wise Ones, you collect
like an anthology of yourself
you cannot choose all
nor even one
to follow, dear
Your path is not theirs
Your path is where you walk
those spaces where you talk
never in other’s faded footprints
eroded memories and time-worn words
of wisdom will not lead you!
Your path is where you walk!
It’s OK if you lose your way back
for you are always there
with you
did you not know?
I hear your drum,
though you may not
it is a heartbeat
and distance has no meaning
for its sound is unusual
and nothing bars its way
across all possible
dimensions.
To hold your hand
and walk those spaces
would be like holding air!
And yet -
I would gladly try
would gladly cry.
With you?
I would gladly fly!
Along and across
your secret paths
even you cannot see.
The dark secrets
do not scare me.
‘tween the silver and the sand
by ThatJimGuy on Nov.27, 2009, under General, Poetry & Prose
‘tween the silver and the sand
If in the morn or better yet
the dark of night, with candle set
upon your desk or table or floor
dare gaze upon yourself once more
and find me there ‘tween silver and sand
and bravely reach with trembling hand
to touch the reflection of me that is you
to boldly believe that dreams can come true
and if you feel my warmth and pain
if you can touch and touch again
and not recoil from darkness there
or believe that life is ever fair
if you can dare…
If ‘tween the silver and the sand
you find me there and touch my hand
and see not what you want to see
but see the Truth, Reality
Then come with me! Come step through!
if ‘tween the silver and the sand
you see both me
and you.
Feedburner (email subscription) now working
by ThatJimGuy on Nov.12, 2009, under General
If you wish to receive email updates when my blog is updated, just enter your email address in the upper right section of the page.
If you wish to be able to post comments, please register first (bottom right, under the “Meta” section); then send me an email to request higher access than the default (subscriber, read-only).
Thanks!
~jim
The wisdom to know the difference
by ThatJimGuy on Nov.04, 2009, under Family, Legal
I’ve decided not to be like my family by pressing criminal charges against them, even though they broke the law and caused me much strife and suffering. I’m better than them and refuse to file charges just because they are ignorant. They won’t learn anything, and they won’t get the help they need from me doing this.
So I’ll just concentrate on my problems and do the best I can with my life, and the hell with them. Oh, I’ll still get my belongings or fair compensation, but it can’t be both (can’t press criminal charges in hopes to gain advantage in another case). I can do this and will with every legal means within my power. All I want are the things I can’t replace. I don’t understand what the problem is, but I don’t really have to. I know it’s not my problem, so I can’t fix that.
They can lie and say what they want. I don’t care. I know my faults and am trying my best to make myself a better person. I can only hope and pray that someday they will see the light and do the same. Do the right thing. Unless they are so far gone they have forgotten the difference between right and wrong, but that too, I have no control over. I’ll still pray for them though.
I know I’ve been bouncing back and forth as to what to do about this fucked up situation, but I’ve decided that the best course of action is to follow the advice of my legal counsel.
So, with that said, I’ll be removing some stuff from my blog. Mainly anything to do with legal actions I was or am considering, and anything I posted out of frustration and anger for being wronged so. It serves no purpose other than to make me look like I hate my family. I don’t hate them. I don’t understand them, but I do know that like me, they all need help, and again, I hope and pray that they will someday get it. I can do no more than that.
I hope that everything will be resolved someday with the least amount of financial and emotional impact on all involved. That too, is all I can hope and pray for. Unless the family members involved get help, like I did, I doubt very much that I will speak to them again, except when both necessary and allowed.
It might all work out someday, but time moves quickly and as long as my family holds these grudges and bad intent towards me, it just plain won’t. There’s just not enough time left in our lives to work things out when only one side (me) wishes to.
So, with that, I will move on with my life. I will do whatever my lawyer suggests, and continue to repeat the Serenity prayer. Not sure what I can change and what I cannot, so I have to concentrate on the third part:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Panic attacks and legal shit.
by ThatJimGuy on Oct.30, 2009, under Family, Health, Legal
God, I just cannot stand these panic attacks. It seems the more I have to do, the more stressed I get and the more panicky I get. I can’t seem to focus. I keep worrying about things that I can’t change, or mostly, the future, which I can’t see or predict.
I lost almost everything I owned about 12 years ago. That wasn’t the big thing that got me, I mean material things, I could always replace. I lost things and people I can never replace. I lost years I can never regain.
And last year, the bullshit with my mother and sister and wow what a fucking dumbass brother-in-law, I lost everything but the clothes on my back.
[edited to remove legal shit 2009.11.04.22.27.07]
Bad panic attack, missed work :-(
by ThatJimGuy on Oct.23, 2009, under General, Health
Had a bad panic attack today and had to call in. Good news is that it is a supported work program. Bad news is that I miss a day of work. I thought I was getting better enough to handle working any time at all. I was wrong 
Some other good news though: one of the people I spoke to on the phone will let me know when the next class is so I can get into the peer support. After the required class, there will be training and maybe more classes, but this is good news. More good news is that they understand. For once in my life, someone actually understands my problems and limitations, and can work with me to overcome or at least work around them. This work program and the peer support are truly a blessing.
My biggest fear though is that the panic attacks will continue to get worse (which they have been), and I won’t be able to work at all I can’t keep fearing the fear though, this is what gets me deeper into my agoraphobia, so afraid to leave the house, so afraid that I will have a panic attack or other extreme anxiety that I will just stay home.
It’s very difficult. I have so many family and legal issues going on, and frankly, despite all the good things that have happened in my life lately, I still suffer. My life is still a mess. I don’t know what to do to fix it. I don’t even know if it can be fixed. I mean fixed to the point of at least semi-normality.
I have a good support network. I’m just too proud and scared I guess to use it. I hate to ask for help. I feel it is a sign of weakness, but in my heart, I know it is a sign of strength. Am I strong enough? I dunno :-\
Semi-steady work now
by ThatJimGuy on Oct.22, 2009, under General
After months of waiting for work (had the job, but boss didn’t have the work), this is my third day. It was very hot again, and the work was easy mentally, but difficult physically in the heat. I never liked the heat. It makes me absolutely miserable and always has. But I held it together and gave it all I had, and was rewarded again with kind words from my boss about what a great job I was doing.
It really is good to work again. I’ve been having some really really bad panic attacks lately, and had one before my boss came to pick me up. Thankfully, it “went away” before he got here, and although I was very anxious all day, I didn’t have a panic attack at work. So there’s that.
I know now I can’t work 40 hours a week unless they come up with some miracle pill that will “cure” me of the panic attacks and associated anxiety disorders. Thankfully, working for the Counseling Center, the work is a support-based work program, so if I do have a panic attack at work, at least I know they won’t fire me for it.
All I can do is hope and pray that I will get better enough to be able to work full time someday. But for now, just sporadic part-time work is a challenge. I’ve done OK so far, and again, can only hope to get better.
I’m doing some work on the computer as well, but there is no short-term payoff. I’m working on projects that are long-term and can only do a little bit each day, nothing like I used to be able to do. But that too keeps me busy.
If my life just wasn’t so damn boring. Eh, what can you do?
2nd day of work
by ThatJimGuy on Oct.21, 2009, under General
Well, it was my 2nd day at work. Pretty much the same routine, but it was good to get out and be productive again. The boss got an email from one of the clients, praising our good work, so that was nice It doesn’t really matter what I do for work, I will always try to do my best and take pride in what I do. Got more work tomorrow.
