ThatJimGuy's Blog

“Malignant mole” sounds like a sick Internet nick or something

Just came back from my in-and-out cryrosurgery (lol, cryrosurgery=a doctor with a spray can of liquid nitrogen).

The mole I thought was a problem was not, but the doctor saw one on my neck (very close to my windpipe) that was. So he froze it.

He doesn’t think it’s  a big deal, so I won’t.

OK I lied, anything like that worries me. Not that I’m afraid of dying anymore… I’m just afraid of not being diagnosed correctly and dying of some sort of cancer they never caught because they just plain didn’t screen me.

But this is due to my anxiety and still-present-but-much-reduced hypochondria.

Suspected MRSA is MRSA, but is almost gone. A MRSA-killing topical scrub 3 times a week should keep that shit off me (now to save the money for the meds again lol – always something…). I’m highly susceptible to it because of a dry skin condition, kinda like eczema.

It’s OK and I’m OK. No more “grey-outs” or anything, so that’s good. Been exercising a lot and feel pretty damn good. I don’t want to feel too good, though, because that’s usually when the shit hits the fan

Oh, and I’m 90 days sober today!!! I get the red, 3 month “danger” chip tonight

No one on this earth is responsible for ourselves, except ourselves. Life owes us absolutely nothing. The government owes us nothing. No one is going to come riding to the rescue when one is down and out. One simply cannot sit back and wait for what will never come. We all must realize that we have the ability, no matter what set of circumstances, to save ourselves. We at the very least have the choice to at least TRY. This is what gets lost.

I say try, or die trying. I don’t see any other healthy way of living life. Never ever give up, but realize that we have choices, even if the only choice we do have is our attitude.

I don’t agree that we are “owed” anything. Yes, we pay taxes, and yes, we expect those taxes to go towards what our elected officials “said” or even actually originally intended them too. However, at least in the US and in most democracies (although the US is actually a Republic, not a pure Democracy), things like greed, politics, special interests and such get in the way of this.

I never saw on my tax form any mention of any PROMISE(S) of what my taxes would be used for. Taxation is a law, used by the government to pay for some of the things you mentioned as well as others. However, I have yet to find any written PROMISE from the government that any taxes will actually BE used for such things.

So my point is the same. The government does not owe us anything, for they have not promised anything, except in the Constitution. I consider my taxes to be my contribution to a country in which I am lucky enough to have been born into which “guarantees” us certain rights. And no, I don’t care to get sidetracked into a discussion on whether we all actually have those guaranteed rights nor how difficult it has been historically and continues to this day to be to fight for and achieve those rights and guarantees. That is not my point at all, and also has nothing to do with taxes.

And I am not at all disputing the idea of what our taxes “should” be paying for.

I am merely saying that we, as individuals and groups of individuals all have the choice of our attitudes. There is no guarantee or promise from the government that we will all have a roof over every head and a chicken in every pot (although, historically, *politicians* have promised this). Do not mistake the promise of politicians for those of the government.

The social programs of any country’s government are chosen by the government. How they pay for them is an entirely different issue. How they choose them depends on the type of government as well as the capacity of elected or appointed officials to submit to the will of the People (or at least the majority). But again, this is not a promise by government, but that of individual politicians.

And when it comes down to it, the other point I was trying to make is that we can chose to live on other people’s promises, or we can choose to adapt to broken ones. Again, it is our attitudes and actions in the face of adversity which makes us what we are. And that is something that can never be taken from us. Our choice of attitude.

I have found peace in the acceptance of many things. I will always fight for what is morally right, but I no longer EXPECT things to always work out the way I want them to or feel that they should. I could complain about all sorts of things, and often have to catch myself, because I still do. But at least I recognize it now, and am able to live a happy life, no matter what the circumstances.

I’m not proud of myself, I’m happy with myself. Pride, at least for me, tends to lead to arrogance. Humility and gratefulness, serenity and peace. I understand these things now, and will continue to strive to achieve and maintain them.

I’m very angry with myself that I did not “get it” long before this, but that quickly passes because not only do I believe that there is a reason for everything, whether we will ever know the reason(s) or not, but I believe that there is also a time for everything. The time for me to understand at least this small part of myself is now, not when I would have liked it to have been. Until I finish my time machine (lol), I cannot change the past, nor am I at all sure that I would want to. Because if not for my past, I would not be who and where I am today. Have I suffered? Yes. But who hasn’t? Was all that suffering caused by others? No. In fact, most of it was caused by me and my attitude. But even if it were, even if I had no say at all in my destiny, I always had, and always will have, the choice of attitude that Frankl speaks about. This changes the rest of my life for the better. So regardless of the cause, the blame games, the self-loathing, the alcoholism, the piss-poor attitude, the know-it-all-jim-guy-that-was…
Regardless of all that shit, or perhaps because of my realization and admittance of it, it has worked out for the best and at the proper time. Someone once told me that God does not work on our time frame. This, also, I believe to be true. And so, I stop with that thought and wish you all well, and thank you all for your continued support over the years, no matter how ridiculous or drunk or whatever I got before posting stuff

How can I continue to be bitter that I lost everything except literally the clothes on my back, when what I have gained is so much more? It’s very difficult. I do have to fight a legal battle just to be able to get the things I cannot replace. My writings, my photographs and a couple heirlooms I wish to pass on to my children, now that I am allowed to speak to them, and am. A simple request, but my sister and mother fight it. I don’t know why, but I learned that I don’t HAVE to know why. I am only responsible for my own problems and attitude, not that of others. I try very hard not to judge them, even though they have judged me.

But some things I read by Viktor Frankl (in his “Man’s Search for Meaning” book – highly recommend this book to everyone!) keep coming back to me. Let me just share a few quotes that I have found very useful:

“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”

“A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth — that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way — an honorable way — in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, “The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.”"

and, especially this:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

What does this mean? It means that no matter how bad things are (and mind you, Dr. Frankl was a Jew in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany, and his experiences there lead him to these beliefs, and in fact what is widely accepted as the “Third School of Viennese Psychotherapy”) we humans ALWAYS retain the CHOICE of how we react. Out choice of attitude. This is the very one single thing that can never be taken from someone.

So yes, I lost it all. But they could not take my choice of attitude. I chose to accept things. To forgive. To take a good look at myself and admit some very difficult things. And to take action. To make myself a better person. Not just for my sake, but for the sake of those I love and even those I had previously hated. To forgive and let this hatred go is nothing short of a spiritual experience. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from me. And I constantly remind myself now, of a little saying I came up with once, but had almost forgotten: “Food, water, shelter. All else is luxury.” Think about it. Be grateful for what you have, not bitter for what you have lost or do not or cannot have.

That is how I get by from one day to the next. Humility, acceptance, admission of my wrongs, willingness to change and improve myself, and the ability to forgive. And not just say it. To actually live it. I am no longer afraid, for I have nothing left to fear. When I admit my shortcomings and mistakes, I do so not to apologize, but to recognize them and to improve myself. I do freely and without fear, for there is nothing that anyone can possibly do to me that my new-found attitude cannot make pass me by. How can anyone say anything that would hurt me, when I both know and freely admit my faults? If someone wants to call me an asshole, for example, I ask them this: “Yes, you’re right. I’m working on that. Is there anything else, any other problems I have that you would be so kind as to point out to me?” – and lol, I really don’t say it in a sarcastic way, I actually mean it. And what can they say when they realize that they cannot hurt me? Nothing. In fact, often it allows them to take a good look at themselves, for they sometimes realize that it is they who are being the assholes.

Denis Leary once said in one of his stand-up acts, “Life sucks. Get a fucking helmet. K?!” And all this time, I thought I needed a sword! All I needed was a helmet. My helmet is the acceptance of who I was, who I am now, who I strive to be. My helmet is acceptance of my own faults and the willingness to constantly strive to make myself a better person. My helmet is laughter. My helmet is realizing that I may not have what I want, but I surely have more than I need. And that is much more than most people on this Earth. So I am grateful. I am not in any way perfect. This is a lifetime growing process. That, too, is something I must accept.

I share this because I am no longer afraid to do so. I share this because I hope it may help others.

Peace,

~jim

The brain scan was negative (lol). Doc thinks it is a combination of sleep deprivation and possible diabetes (hopefully just temporary hyperglycemia, all the symptoms match, although it’s possible it could be hypoglycemia). Blood tests come back soon. Will check with doc tomorrow.

Antibiotics are taking care of the MRSA, so that is much much better.

Still get dizzy, but I just have to be careful not to overdo it. Ain’t as young as I used 2 b, and am trying to do more things than I really can. No sense in pushing myself to the point of exhaustion.

All is well. Finished my week-long “picking up of my chip” celebration for my 30 days of sobriety. Wish I had done this when I was young, but I believe there is a time and a reason for everything, so am grateful for the here and now

Paix,

~jim

I’m out of money and out of food. I’ve decided that now is a good time to quit drinking. I ran out of medicine, so I’m waiting for the benzodiazapine withdrawals to begin again (this happened 10 years ago, and damn near killed me).

It’s very hot out here in the RV (up to 114F). Mare won’t let me come in the house to cool off or even to use the bathroom. So I have to go to the bathroom in the woods and shower under the garden hose to keep myself clean. It’s embarrassing and degrading, but sometimes you just have to suck it up to survive. Jane, Bob and Mare are doing all they can to get me to just leave, with nowhere to go, no money, no way to take my belongings or anything. There’s something very wrong with all of them, but I can only worry about myself, where I will go, and pray that it is not on the street or in the woods somewhere to die, thrown away like a piece of garbage.

The fact that kicking me out of the house was illegal is of no consolation. This is just one more thing that I will have to take them to court over at some later date. For now, I’m working with the counseling center, trying to find a place to live and get some food and maybe a nice shower and a toilet and… well, maybe a little respect as a fellow human being? That would be nice