ThatJimGuy's Blog

I don’t believe that time is linear. Oh, physicists and mathematicians, they tell me I’m wrong.  The old men in the homes, they tell me too. I’m full of shit, they say. Just a mid-life crisis, get your head out of the clouds, the sand, your ass (they say).

Hah!

How did they miss eternity? Did it surround them so closely that they simply could not see it? Looking off into the distance, did they miss it? How did they become so blind?

Or were they always so?

Eternity is in the faces of our children. And their children. And theirs. It is in the sand, the sky, the trees, the flowers.

It is in my mind forever, your smiling eyes, your face.

Your youthful grace.

“But I am not young anymore!”, you say.

“You are. You always will be”, I reply. But you cannot hear me. Or maybe you just choose not to.

Say what you will. And feel it true, if you must. But you are still there. I am still there, caressing your cheek, smelling your hair. We are still there!

I don’t have to convince you this is true, and you can’t convince me that I’m crazy, for still feeling you as I do.

SO don’t tell me that that time is gone, a past present, never to come again. Because it will always be. Time cannot erase us there/then.

The others, they forget. The old ones in the home tell me ashes to ashes, dust to dust. “I don’t understand, Jim.”

Well, maybe that’s because you never knew her, nor someone like her. Maybe you just forgot. Maybe you got so caught up in life that your plans and dreams and schemes came and went, and in self-pity you had let go of what mattered. But you still exist where you were, too. And when she held your hand… do you still deny? Then, tell me friend, what is that in your eye? A salty tear of ancient oceans. The sea’s eternity revealed. Your young hand concealed. Wrinkles you can’t see past.

Don’t sell me that shit. I’m not buying. And don’t even think about giving it to me!

Just because you can’t go back doesn’t mean you aren’t still there.

You’re everywhere you were, and will be.

Time isn’t linear. Don’t give me that shit.

Your tears were once oceans. Your eyes, stars. And they always will be, there/then.

Now.

I’m not proud of myself, I’m happy with myself. Pride, at least for me, tends to lead to arrogance. Humility and gratefulness, serenity and peace. I understand these things now, and will continue to strive to achieve and maintain them.

I’m very angry with myself that I did not “get it” long before this, but that quickly passes because not only do I believe that there is a reason for everything, whether we will ever know the reason(s) or not, but I believe that there is also a time for everything. The time for me to understand at least this small part of myself is now, not when I would have liked it to have been. Until I finish my time machine (lol), I cannot change the past, nor am I at all sure that I would want to. Because if not for my past, I would not be who and where I am today. Have I suffered? Yes. But who hasn’t? Was all that suffering caused by others? No. In fact, most of it was caused by me and my attitude. But even if it were, even if I had no say at all in my destiny, I always had, and always will have, the choice of attitude that Frankl speaks about. This changes the rest of my life for the better. So regardless of the cause, the blame games, the self-loathing, the alcoholism, the piss-poor attitude, the know-it-all-jim-guy-that-was…
Regardless of all that shit, or perhaps because of my realization and admittance of it, it has worked out for the best and at the proper time. Someone once told me that God does not work on our time frame. This, also, I believe to be true. And so, I stop with that thought and wish you all well, and thank you all for your continued support over the years, no matter how ridiculous or drunk or whatever I got before posting stuff

How can I continue to be bitter that I lost everything except literally the clothes on my back, when what I have gained is so much more? It’s very difficult. I do have to fight a legal battle just to be able to get the things I cannot replace. My writings, my photographs and a couple heirlooms I wish to pass on to my children, now that I am allowed to speak to them, and am. A simple request, but my sister and mother fight it. I don’t know why, but I learned that I don’t HAVE to know why. I am only responsible for my own problems and attitude, not that of others. I try very hard not to judge them, even though they have judged me.

But some things I read by Viktor Frankl (in his “Man’s Search for Meaning” book – highly recommend this book to everyone!) keep coming back to me. Let me just share a few quotes that I have found very useful:

“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”

“A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth — that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way — an honorable way — in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, “The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.”"

and, especially this:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

What does this mean? It means that no matter how bad things are (and mind you, Dr. Frankl was a Jew in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany, and his experiences there lead him to these beliefs, and in fact what is widely accepted as the “Third School of Viennese Psychotherapy”) we humans ALWAYS retain the CHOICE of how we react. Out choice of attitude. This is the very one single thing that can never be taken from someone.

So yes, I lost it all. But they could not take my choice of attitude. I chose to accept things. To forgive. To take a good look at myself and admit some very difficult things. And to take action. To make myself a better person. Not just for my sake, but for the sake of those I love and even those I had previously hated. To forgive and let this hatred go is nothing short of a spiritual experience. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from me. And I constantly remind myself now, of a little saying I came up with once, but had almost forgotten: “Food, water, shelter. All else is luxury.” Think about it. Be grateful for what you have, not bitter for what you have lost or do not or cannot have.

That is how I get by from one day to the next. Humility, acceptance, admission of my wrongs, willingness to change and improve myself, and the ability to forgive. And not just say it. To actually live it. I am no longer afraid, for I have nothing left to fear. When I admit my shortcomings and mistakes, I do so not to apologize, but to recognize them and to improve myself. I do freely and without fear, for there is nothing that anyone can possibly do to me that my new-found attitude cannot make pass me by. How can anyone say anything that would hurt me, when I both know and freely admit my faults? If someone wants to call me an asshole, for example, I ask them this: “Yes, you’re right. I’m working on that. Is there anything else, any other problems I have that you would be so kind as to point out to me?” – and lol, I really don’t say it in a sarcastic way, I actually mean it. And what can they say when they realize that they cannot hurt me? Nothing. In fact, often it allows them to take a good look at themselves, for they sometimes realize that it is they who are being the assholes.

Denis Leary once said in one of his stand-up acts, “Life sucks. Get a fucking helmet. K?!” And all this time, I thought I needed a sword! All I needed was a helmet. My helmet is the acceptance of who I was, who I am now, who I strive to be. My helmet is acceptance of my own faults and the willingness to constantly strive to make myself a better person. My helmet is laughter. My helmet is realizing that I may not have what I want, but I surely have more than I need. And that is much more than most people on this Earth. So I am grateful. I am not in any way perfect. This is a lifetime growing process. That, too, is something I must accept.

I share this because I am no longer afraid to do so. I share this because I hope it may help others.

Peace,

~jim