ThatJimGuy's Blog

Whispers of Eternity

pour mes enfants, je vous aimerai toujours

I find my eternity in my daughter’s face.
If there is only one single thing I can pass on
to her and my son, then yes,
I might be able to die in peace,
defying all that time has done to us.
Knowing that these wrinkled old hands
with which I type
were once as as vibrantly full
of the pureness and purpose
of our former youth.

And we swore we would die
before we ever got old,
but here we are, and life goes on.
Our eternity lives on,
in other lives and other eyes.

Whispers, soft whispers
of what we were,
and long to be again – but never can….

So let us rejoice in the beauty
which our children may discover.
Let us never dismiss all
that our youth had uncovered.
The secrets we thought were our own.

Let us be brave in the twilight
as they are in their morning sun.

Let us never forget what it was…
what it was
to be young.

©2010, Jim Sabean

I’m feeling much better. My back is no longer hurting and I’m not getting dizzy or depressed and stuff. I think it’s because I ran out of my blood pressure medicine and neglected to get it for like a week. My bad. Not something I want to do again!

Am feeling happier. I bought my daughter a birthday present for the first time in about 13 years, thanks to the generosity of my ex-wife who agreed to put the past behind us and move on She’s great!

Got my daughter and son some late Christmas presents and birthday presents for Jake since he’s 16 today. Will send them to them when they get in. I hope they like them, I tried to get them stuff they wanted or would like (or both)

Anyway, I’m just happy that I can talk to my kids again. Though they are quickly becoming adults now, they will always be my babies and in my heart always. I will always support them as best I can, emotionally, spiritually and financially (although I can’t do much on the latter, I do what I can)

They are the best kids anyone could ask for and I love them both dearly. And I love my ex-wife for being so considerate to me and my feelings, and agreeing not to keep us so separated. We both have grown, for the better, and life is good

Thank you Debbie, Jacob and Arianna! I love you all and always will!

Man, I am just tired ALL the time and don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t know if I’m sick or just depressed (or both). I threw my back out over a week ago, and am still in a great amount of pain. I also blew my budget this month, spending too much on Christmas presents. Maybe it’s just seasonal depression coupled with a cold or the flu and coming down hard on myself for not managing my budget correctly. I get overly excited sometimes, and this is the first year I have been able to get presents for my kids’ birthdays and Christmas since they were 2 and 3 and now they are 15 and soon-to-be 16. I got so excited about being able to get them presents, I spent too much. I’m disabled and don’t get much on SSDI and half of that goes towards my rent. Financial experts state that you should spend no more than 1/3 of your income on rent, so that’s hard just in itself.

I’ll be OK, I’m not gonna starve or anything. I’ve learned how to make very cheap meals (like $1.00/meal) and need to lose weight anyway (lol).

So I guess my New Year’s resolution will be to manage my money better and not get overly “excited” or borderline manic and spend too much on things other than what I need to survive. In short, I have to save money and anything I buy that is considered “luxury” should be from my savings, not my monthly check.

Anyway, I haven’t posted anything in a while, and it’s because my panic attacks have gotten worse and because I am just sooo tired all the time. I’ll try to keep filling in all the missing pieces, especially over the past year or so and hope that this general malaise gets lifted and I can get the things done that need to be done, not lay around feeling terrible all day :-\

I wish everyone who reads this the very best during this holiday season, and if you get seasonal depression like I do, hang in there. I will

~jim

Updated 2009.12.23.19.05.45

I’ve been thinking about this, and it really wasn’t the Christmas presents that caused me to blow my budget, I did budget that correctly. The problem is that I did not allow for “emergency” or “unforseen” bills/charges and indulged in some things I shouldn’t have. For example, I got double billed from my ISP because for some reason, they did not bill me last month, and I did not realize it until I got double billed this month. Also, I have an email account that is paid yearly, and for some reason, the email provider billed me again in December when I think they should have only billed me once per year (I have to check on this). Now for “indulgences”: I ordered pizza twice this month and I normally only do this once per month. I also paid for and downloaded more music than my plan allotted (I didn’t have enough credits to get what I wanted so I bought “booster packs”. I just went kinda nuts on my music downloads. Other things include buying a steak, which I really can’t afford, but I was in a good mood and everything was fine and I thought I could afford it, just like the pizzas. I also got a subscription to Scientific American, which I have not had for years. I really like it and I read it cover to cover, but this, again, was not a “need” this was a “want”. There are many other things I did wrong this month, but basically I went totally against my motto: “Food, Water, Shelter. All else is luxury”. My bad and now I will pay for it. I bought plenty of rice and beans and some pasta on sale, so again, I’m not going to starve, and I do need to lose some weight since I’ve gained a bit because I threw out my back and haven’t been exercising or even walking very much as I usually do.
Also, my doctor put me on some new prescriptions and my psych. changed one of my prescriptions, which I think is one of the major causes of this awful tiredness that I am feeling all the time, no matter how much sleep I get!

I’ll make it. I’ll get over the depression and spend what I have left wisely on food and hope to feel better soon so I can get out and exercise, which is always a mood-booster anyway

I did manage to walk to the store tonight, but when I got home, I threw up, so I do believe that I have the flu, I don’t think it’s just a cold anymore and although a day or two ago, I was feeling better, I think it was premature to think I had fully recovered.

Well, there it is. This is life with panic disorder and how difficult it can be with added complications. Again, I share this because I hope to help others, or at least to let them know that they are not alone, and that despite mistakes, we all can make it just fine. I’m convinced of it, and I will never give up!

~jim

I’ve decided not to be like my family by pressing criminal charges against them, even though they broke the law and caused me much strife and suffering. I’m better than them and refuse to file charges just because they are ignorant. They won’t learn anything, and they won’t get the help they need from me doing this.

So I’ll just concentrate on my problems and do the best I can with my life, and the hell with them. Oh, I’ll still get my belongings or fair compensation, but it can’t be both (can’t press criminal charges in hopes to gain advantage in another case).  I can do this and will with every legal means within my power. All I want are the things I can’t replace. I don’t understand what the problem is, but I don’t really have to. I know it’s not my problem, so I can’t fix that.

They can lie and say what they want. I don’t care. I know my faults and am trying my best to make myself a better person. I can only hope and pray that someday they will see the light and do the same. Do the right thing. Unless they are so far gone they have forgotten the difference between right and wrong, but that too, I have no control over. I’ll still pray for them though.

I know I’ve been bouncing back and forth as to what to do about this fucked up situation, but I’ve decided that the best course of action is to follow the advice of my legal counsel.

So, with that said, I’ll be removing some stuff from my blog. Mainly anything to do with legal actions I was or am considering, and anything I posted out of frustration and anger for being wronged so. It serves no purpose other than to make me look like I hate my family. I don’t hate them. I don’t understand them, but I do know that like me, they all need help, and again, I hope and pray that they will someday get it. I can do no more than that.

I hope that everything will be resolved someday with the least amount of financial and emotional impact on all involved. That too, is all I can hope and pray for. Unless the family members involved get help, like I did, I doubt very much that I will speak to them again, except when both necessary and allowed.

It might all work out someday, but time moves quickly and as long as my family holds these grudges and bad intent towards me, it just plain won’t. There’s just not enough time left in our lives to work things out when only one side (me) wishes to.

So, with that, I will move on with my life. I will do whatever my lawyer suggests, and continue to repeat the Serenity prayer. Not sure what I can change and what I cannot, so I have to concentrate on the third part:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

God, I just cannot stand these panic attacks. It seems the more I have to do, the more stressed I get and the more panicky I get. I can’t seem to focus. I keep worrying about things that I can’t change, or mostly, the future, which I can’t see or predict.

I lost almost everything I owned about 12 years ago. That wasn’t the big thing that got me, I mean material things, I could always replace. I lost things and people I can never replace. I lost years I can never regain.

And last year, the bullshit with my mother and sister and wow what a fucking dumbass brother-in-law, I lost everything but the clothes on my back.

[edited to remove legal shit 2009.11.04.22.27.07]

“Malignant mole” sounds like a sick Internet nick or something

Just came back from my in-and-out cryrosurgery (lol, cryrosurgery=a doctor with a spray can of liquid nitrogen).

The mole I thought was a problem was not, but the doctor saw one on my neck (very close to my windpipe) that was. So he froze it.

He doesn’t think it’s  a big deal, so I won’t.

OK I lied, anything like that worries me. Not that I’m afraid of dying anymore… I’m just afraid of not being diagnosed correctly and dying of some sort of cancer they never caught because they just plain didn’t screen me.

But this is due to my anxiety and still-present-but-much-reduced hypochondria.

Suspected MRSA is MRSA, but is almost gone. A MRSA-killing topical scrub 3 times a week should keep that shit off me (now to save the money for the meds again lol – always something…). I’m highly susceptible to it because of a dry skin condition, kinda like eczema.

It’s OK and I’m OK. No more “grey-outs” or anything, so that’s good. Been exercising a lot and feel pretty damn good. I don’t want to feel too good, though, because that’s usually when the shit hits the fan

Oh, and I’m 90 days sober today!!! I get the red, 3 month “danger” chip tonight

I’m not proud of myself, I’m happy with myself. Pride, at least for me, tends to lead to arrogance. Humility and gratefulness, serenity and peace. I understand these things now, and will continue to strive to achieve and maintain them.

I’m very angry with myself that I did not “get it” long before this, but that quickly passes because not only do I believe that there is a reason for everything, whether we will ever know the reason(s) or not, but I believe that there is also a time for everything. The time for me to understand at least this small part of myself is now, not when I would have liked it to have been. Until I finish my time machine (lol), I cannot change the past, nor am I at all sure that I would want to. Because if not for my past, I would not be who and where I am today. Have I suffered? Yes. But who hasn’t? Was all that suffering caused by others? No. In fact, most of it was caused by me and my attitude. But even if it were, even if I had no say at all in my destiny, I always had, and always will have, the choice of attitude that Frankl speaks about. This changes the rest of my life for the better. So regardless of the cause, the blame games, the self-loathing, the alcoholism, the piss-poor attitude, the know-it-all-jim-guy-that-was…
Regardless of all that shit, or perhaps because of my realization and admittance of it, it has worked out for the best and at the proper time. Someone once told me that God does not work on our time frame. This, also, I believe to be true. And so, I stop with that thought and wish you all well, and thank you all for your continued support over the years, no matter how ridiculous or drunk or whatever I got before posting stuff

How can I continue to be bitter that I lost everything except literally the clothes on my back, when what I have gained is so much more? It’s very difficult. I do have to fight a legal battle just to be able to get the things I cannot replace. My writings, my photographs and a couple heirlooms I wish to pass on to my children, now that I am allowed to speak to them, and am. A simple request, but my sister and mother fight it. I don’t know why, but I learned that I don’t HAVE to know why. I am only responsible for my own problems and attitude, not that of others. I try very hard not to judge them, even though they have judged me.

But some things I read by Viktor Frankl (in his “Man’s Search for Meaning” book – highly recommend this book to everyone!) keep coming back to me. Let me just share a few quotes that I have found very useful:

“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”

“A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth — that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way — an honorable way — in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, “The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.”"

and, especially this:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

What does this mean? It means that no matter how bad things are (and mind you, Dr. Frankl was a Jew in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany, and his experiences there lead him to these beliefs, and in fact what is widely accepted as the “Third School of Viennese Psychotherapy”) we humans ALWAYS retain the CHOICE of how we react. Out choice of attitude. This is the very one single thing that can never be taken from someone.

So yes, I lost it all. But they could not take my choice of attitude. I chose to accept things. To forgive. To take a good look at myself and admit some very difficult things. And to take action. To make myself a better person. Not just for my sake, but for the sake of those I love and even those I had previously hated. To forgive and let this hatred go is nothing short of a spiritual experience. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from me. And I constantly remind myself now, of a little saying I came up with once, but had almost forgotten: “Food, water, shelter. All else is luxury.” Think about it. Be grateful for what you have, not bitter for what you have lost or do not or cannot have.

That is how I get by from one day to the next. Humility, acceptance, admission of my wrongs, willingness to change and improve myself, and the ability to forgive. And not just say it. To actually live it. I am no longer afraid, for I have nothing left to fear. When I admit my shortcomings and mistakes, I do so not to apologize, but to recognize them and to improve myself. I do freely and without fear, for there is nothing that anyone can possibly do to me that my new-found attitude cannot make pass me by. How can anyone say anything that would hurt me, when I both know and freely admit my faults? If someone wants to call me an asshole, for example, I ask them this: “Yes, you’re right. I’m working on that. Is there anything else, any other problems I have that you would be so kind as to point out to me?” – and lol, I really don’t say it in a sarcastic way, I actually mean it. And what can they say when they realize that they cannot hurt me? Nothing. In fact, often it allows them to take a good look at themselves, for they sometimes realize that it is they who are being the assholes.

Denis Leary once said in one of his stand-up acts, “Life sucks. Get a fucking helmet. K?!” And all this time, I thought I needed a sword! All I needed was a helmet. My helmet is the acceptance of who I was, who I am now, who I strive to be. My helmet is acceptance of my own faults and the willingness to constantly strive to make myself a better person. My helmet is laughter. My helmet is realizing that I may not have what I want, but I surely have more than I need. And that is much more than most people on this Earth. So I am grateful. I am not in any way perfect. This is a lifetime growing process. That, too, is something I must accept.

I share this because I am no longer afraid to do so. I share this because I hope it may help others.

Peace,

~jim

The brain scan was negative (lol). Doc thinks it is a combination of sleep deprivation and possible diabetes (hopefully just temporary hyperglycemia, all the symptoms match, although it’s possible it could be hypoglycemia). Blood tests come back soon. Will check with doc tomorrow.

Antibiotics are taking care of the MRSA, so that is much much better.

Still get dizzy, but I just have to be careful not to overdo it. Ain’t as young as I used 2 b, and am trying to do more things than I really can. No sense in pushing myself to the point of exhaustion.

All is well. Finished my week-long “picking up of my chip” celebration for my 30 days of sobriety. Wish I had done this when I was young, but I believe there is a time and a reason for everything, so am grateful for the here and now

Paix,

~jim

MRI is this afternoon. I’m “greying out” a lot, and am worried, but have faith that no matter what, all things work out for the best in the end; for the common good. We, as mere mortals can only rarely be blessed enough to live long enough to see that this is a fundamental Truth. And it is very important for one to understand that what is “for the greater good”, what is “best’, what is “right and just”… these are not things that are at all to be confused with “what is best for us personally”.

Humility is a very difficult path to maintain. Grace is not something one can strive for, it is something that is given to us. Be grateful for what you have, at ALL times. Do not worry about what you have not.

I have truly been blessed in the past year. Yes, I am having some serious health problems, but who am I to whine and complain? These are utterly selfish notions.

I am at peace with myself and with God. I wish (yes, I selfishly wish) that I can live long enough to make amends to those who I have wronged, and I have a great fear now that I will not possibly live long enough to at least attempt to sincerely make these amends.

But I believe in a Greater Plan. I believe in a Higher Power, infinitely greater than my power and will; so great I can only hope to understand the meaning of things, but blessed to simply accept things as they are. To be grateful, gracious and thankful to God and my loved ones. To those who have forgiven me. To those who have stood by me, even in my darkest and most disruptive times.

I am worried, yes, of course. But I am basking in God’s grace, the gifts He has given me. The things which I thought lost forever in a dark whirlpool of unending regret and remorse. Yes. I am humble and grateful, and for once in my life, although I fear I may not accomplish all I wish, all I feel called to, all I feel compelled to set right; I could die today a happy man.

What more can anyone ask for?  So regardless of the results of all the upcoming medical tests and possible procedures, I am not afraid of dying; just, as I already stated, of dying without being able to make full amends and restitution. And this is selfish, and I must work on that, but, well, there it is. This is me. Welcome to my world, and I hope that all can see that this is their world too. Let go of your hatred, your regrets. You cannot go back and fix things. However, you CAN, as I have, learned to understand that you CAN, by changing your attitudes, actions and reactions, change the here-and-now and that by changing that, you have a very good chance of living a better life for the future.

Peace/Selam/Salam/Paix/Shalom

~jim

"The Beginning", by Rupert Brooke