ThatJimGuy's Blog

sometimes
———
sometimes i think i’m dying
other times
i think i’m living
sometimes i’m tired of crying
other times
i’m tired of giving

sometimes i feel so old
like a stale piece of bread
covered with mold
no one would eat it
unless they were starving

sometimes I feel like i’m hungry
for something maybe i used to have
or perhaps never did
for what i used to be
for secrets
i hid

and when all is said and done
and whispers cease from my lips
would you have said you have won?
would you watch the liquid drips

from some machine?
i think you know
what i mean

sometimes the dreams are too much
i wake with sweat
wondering forever
if i’ve paid the debt

and if i can die easy

I’m feeling much better. My back is no longer hurting and I’m not getting dizzy or depressed and stuff. I think it’s because I ran out of my blood pressure medicine and neglected to get it for like a week. My bad. Not something I want to do again!

Am feeling happier. I bought my daughter a birthday present for the first time in about 13 years, thanks to the generosity of my ex-wife who agreed to put the past behind us and move on She’s great!

Got my daughter and son some late Christmas presents and birthday presents for Jake since he’s 16 today. Will send them to them when they get in. I hope they like them, I tried to get them stuff they wanted or would like (or both)

Anyway, I’m just happy that I can talk to my kids again. Though they are quickly becoming adults now, they will always be my babies and in my heart always. I will always support them as best I can, emotionally, spiritually and financially (although I can’t do much on the latter, I do what I can)

They are the best kids anyone could ask for and I love them both dearly. And I love my ex-wife for being so considerate to me and my feelings, and agreeing not to keep us so separated. We both have grown, for the better, and life is good

Thank you Debbie, Jacob and Arianna! I love you all and always will!

Man, I am just tired ALL the time and don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t know if I’m sick or just depressed (or both). I threw my back out over a week ago, and am still in a great amount of pain. I also blew my budget this month, spending too much on Christmas presents. Maybe it’s just seasonal depression coupled with a cold or the flu and coming down hard on myself for not managing my budget correctly. I get overly excited sometimes, and this is the first year I have been able to get presents for my kids’ birthdays and Christmas since they were 2 and 3 and now they are 15 and soon-to-be 16. I got so excited about being able to get them presents, I spent too much. I’m disabled and don’t get much on SSDI and half of that goes towards my rent. Financial experts state that you should spend no more than 1/3 of your income on rent, so that’s hard just in itself.

I’ll be OK, I’m not gonna starve or anything. I’ve learned how to make very cheap meals (like $1.00/meal) and need to lose weight anyway (lol).

So I guess my New Year’s resolution will be to manage my money better and not get overly “excited” or borderline manic and spend too much on things other than what I need to survive. In short, I have to save money and anything I buy that is considered “luxury” should be from my savings, not my monthly check.

Anyway, I haven’t posted anything in a while, and it’s because my panic attacks have gotten worse and because I am just sooo tired all the time. I’ll try to keep filling in all the missing pieces, especially over the past year or so and hope that this general malaise gets lifted and I can get the things done that need to be done, not lay around feeling terrible all day :-\

I wish everyone who reads this the very best during this holiday season, and if you get seasonal depression like I do, hang in there. I will

~jim

Updated 2009.12.23.19.05.45

I’ve been thinking about this, and it really wasn’t the Christmas presents that caused me to blow my budget, I did budget that correctly. The problem is that I did not allow for “emergency” or “unforseen” bills/charges and indulged in some things I shouldn’t have. For example, I got double billed from my ISP because for some reason, they did not bill me last month, and I did not realize it until I got double billed this month. Also, I have an email account that is paid yearly, and for some reason, the email provider billed me again in December when I think they should have only billed me once per year (I have to check on this). Now for “indulgences”: I ordered pizza twice this month and I normally only do this once per month. I also paid for and downloaded more music than my plan allotted (I didn’t have enough credits to get what I wanted so I bought “booster packs”. I just went kinda nuts on my music downloads. Other things include buying a steak, which I really can’t afford, but I was in a good mood and everything was fine and I thought I could afford it, just like the pizzas. I also got a subscription to Scientific American, which I have not had for years. I really like it and I read it cover to cover, but this, again, was not a “need” this was a “want”. There are many other things I did wrong this month, but basically I went totally against my motto: “Food, Water, Shelter. All else is luxury”. My bad and now I will pay for it. I bought plenty of rice and beans and some pasta on sale, so again, I’m not going to starve, and I do need to lose some weight since I’ve gained a bit because I threw out my back and haven’t been exercising or even walking very much as I usually do.
Also, my doctor put me on some new prescriptions and my psych. changed one of my prescriptions, which I think is one of the major causes of this awful tiredness that I am feeling all the time, no matter how much sleep I get!

I’ll make it. I’ll get over the depression and spend what I have left wisely on food and hope to feel better soon so I can get out and exercise, which is always a mood-booster anyway

I did manage to walk to the store tonight, but when I got home, I threw up, so I do believe that I have the flu, I don’t think it’s just a cold anymore and although a day or two ago, I was feeling better, I think it was premature to think I had fully recovered.

Well, there it is. This is life with panic disorder and how difficult it can be with added complications. Again, I share this because I hope to help others, or at least to let them know that they are not alone, and that despite mistakes, we all can make it just fine. I’m convinced of it, and I will never give up!

~jim

God, I just cannot stand these panic attacks. It seems the more I have to do, the more stressed I get and the more panicky I get. I can’t seem to focus. I keep worrying about things that I can’t change, or mostly, the future, which I can’t see or predict.

I lost almost everything I owned about 12 years ago. That wasn’t the big thing that got me, I mean material things, I could always replace. I lost things and people I can never replace. I lost years I can never regain.

And last year, the bullshit with my mother and sister and wow what a fucking dumbass brother-in-law, I lost everything but the clothes on my back.

[edited to remove legal shit 2009.11.04.22.27.07]

Had a bad panic attack today and had to call in. Good news is that it is a supported work program. Bad news is that I miss a day of work. I thought I was getting better enough to handle working any time at all. I was wrong

Some other good news though: one of the people I spoke to on the phone will let me know when the next class is so I can get into the peer support. After the required class, there will be training and maybe more classes, but this is good news. More good news is that they understand. For once in my life, someone actually understands my problems and limitations, and can work with me to overcome or at least work around them. This work program and the peer support are truly a blessing.

My biggest fear though is that the panic attacks will continue to get worse (which they have been), and I won’t be able to work at all I can’t keep fearing the fear though, this is what gets me deeper into my agoraphobia, so afraid to leave the house, so afraid that I will have a panic attack or other extreme anxiety that I will just stay home.

It’s very difficult. I have so many family and legal issues going on, and frankly, despite all the good things that have happened in my life lately, I still suffer. My life is still a mess. I don’t know what to do to fix it. I don’t even know if it can be fixed. I mean fixed to the point of at least semi-normality.

I have a good support network. I’m just too proud and scared I guess to use it. I hate to ask for help. I feel it is a sign of weakness, but in my heart, I know it is a sign of strength. Am I strong enough? I dunno :-\

I started work at the counseling center today. Wow, it feels good to work and actually get paid for it for the first time in a long time! I’ve worked for room and board and worked for promises. The former, I paid in cash when I got the money, and the latter ended up being broken. In short, I have worked, unwillingly, for free several times in the past 12 years. This was not charity work, btw. I don’t mind volunteering my time and talents for charity. The work I did previous to today was on the promise of reduction of room and board or the promise of money (or in one case, a used car), and all those promises were broken. I’m a sucker I guess :-\

I’m not sure how many hours I can work with my panic disorder, but I’m trying my best. The work is part time and sporadic, but hey, it’s work. I didn’t have a panic attack today, which is very good. I’m positive I will have one at work one of these days, but since it’s a supported work program, I think it’s ok. I mean, I won’t lose my job over it (I hope!) My goal is to continue to do my best to get better, take the baby steps I need to to become a productive member of society again, and hopefully, one day, be able to work full time and get off of disability. For now, a few hours a week… if I can handle that, well that’s a fine first step

“Malignant mole” sounds like a sick Internet nick or something

Just came back from my in-and-out cryrosurgery (lol, cryrosurgery=a doctor with a spray can of liquid nitrogen).

The mole I thought was a problem was not, but the doctor saw one on my neck (very close to my windpipe) that was. So he froze it.

He doesn’t think it’s  a big deal, so I won’t.

OK I lied, anything like that worries me. Not that I’m afraid of dying anymore… I’m just afraid of not being diagnosed correctly and dying of some sort of cancer they never caught because they just plain didn’t screen me.

But this is due to my anxiety and still-present-but-much-reduced hypochondria.

Suspected MRSA is MRSA, but is almost gone. A MRSA-killing topical scrub 3 times a week should keep that shit off me (now to save the money for the meds again lol – always something…). I’m highly susceptible to it because of a dry skin condition, kinda like eczema.

It’s OK and I’m OK. No more “grey-outs” or anything, so that’s good. Been exercising a lot and feel pretty damn good. I don’t want to feel too good, though, because that’s usually when the shit hits the fan

Oh, and I’m 90 days sober today!!! I get the red, 3 month “danger” chip tonight

The brain scan was negative (lol). Doc thinks it is a combination of sleep deprivation and possible diabetes (hopefully just temporary hyperglycemia, all the symptoms match, although it’s possible it could be hypoglycemia). Blood tests come back soon. Will check with doc tomorrow.

Antibiotics are taking care of the MRSA, so that is much much better.

Still get dizzy, but I just have to be careful not to overdo it. Ain’t as young as I used 2 b, and am trying to do more things than I really can. No sense in pushing myself to the point of exhaustion.

All is well. Finished my week-long “picking up of my chip” celebration for my 30 days of sobriety. Wish I had done this when I was young, but I believe there is a time and a reason for everything, so am grateful for the here and now

Paix,

~jim

MRI is this afternoon. I’m “greying out” a lot, and am worried, but have faith that no matter what, all things work out for the best in the end; for the common good. We, as mere mortals can only rarely be blessed enough to live long enough to see that this is a fundamental Truth. And it is very important for one to understand that what is “for the greater good”, what is “best’, what is “right and just”… these are not things that are at all to be confused with “what is best for us personally”.

Humility is a very difficult path to maintain. Grace is not something one can strive for, it is something that is given to us. Be grateful for what you have, at ALL times. Do not worry about what you have not.

I have truly been blessed in the past year. Yes, I am having some serious health problems, but who am I to whine and complain? These are utterly selfish notions.

I am at peace with myself and with God. I wish (yes, I selfishly wish) that I can live long enough to make amends to those who I have wronged, and I have a great fear now that I will not possibly live long enough to at least attempt to sincerely make these amends.

But I believe in a Greater Plan. I believe in a Higher Power, infinitely greater than my power and will; so great I can only hope to understand the meaning of things, but blessed to simply accept things as they are. To be grateful, gracious and thankful to God and my loved ones. To those who have forgiven me. To those who have stood by me, even in my darkest and most disruptive times.

I am worried, yes, of course. But I am basking in God’s grace, the gifts He has given me. The things which I thought lost forever in a dark whirlpool of unending regret and remorse. Yes. I am humble and grateful, and for once in my life, although I fear I may not accomplish all I wish, all I feel called to, all I feel compelled to set right; I could die today a happy man.

What more can anyone ask for?  So regardless of the results of all the upcoming medical tests and possible procedures, I am not afraid of dying; just, as I already stated, of dying without being able to make full amends and restitution. And this is selfish, and I must work on that, but, well, there it is. This is me. Welcome to my world, and I hope that all can see that this is their world too. Let go of your hatred, your regrets. You cannot go back and fix things. However, you CAN, as I have, learned to understand that you CAN, by changing your attitudes, actions and reactions, change the here-and-now and that by changing that, you have a very good chance of living a better life for the future.

Peace/Selam/Salam/Paix/Shalom

~jim

"The Beginning", by Rupert Brooke

Well, it’s not like I really thought she could, but my mom just could not keep her big mouth shut. Here’s what happened:

I was having a very bad panic attack, and had a lot of trouble breathing because, in addition to the panic attack, there was a poor air quality advisory for Gloucester county, and it was about 107F outside. So I asked my sister, Marianne, to bring me to the hospital. Actually, I asked her if she could bring me to the hospital without she or my mom giving me a hard time. She said “Yes”. We proceeded to her car, and before we even got to it, she said “Does this mean I have to wait for you?!”, to which I replied, “Well, yeah Mare, it’s 20 miles to the hospital, I can’t very well walk home… but if you can drop me off and pick me up when I call, that would be cool…” She said “Forget it, just get in the fucking car.”

So I got in the car, and again, after she promised to NOT give me a hard time, she said “You know, I was pretty busy and bringing you to the hospital is a major pain in the ass!” I replied, “Mare. You were half-asleep on the couch, watching re-runs of ‘Law and Order’, as usual. Are ‘Law and Order’ reruns really more important than bringing me to the hospital when I can barely breathe? I mean especially since your husband (Bob) brought the truck he sold me to the shop to get it inspected and never brought it back, and also took my only key? AND you promised to give me rides until he gets the truck back?”

Well, she got all pissed off at this, so I told her “Fine. I asked you if you could bring me to the hospital without giving me a hard time. You said ‘Yes’. But here you are, now, giving me a hard time, not once, but twice! So the hell with it. I’ll go back in and call an ambulance.” At which point, I did just that.

That’s when my mother came out of her bedroom, after promising my sister not to talk to me (especially if she had nothing good to say), and started yelling at me. My mother said “You’re just fine. There’s nothing wrong with you. Quit bothering your sister.” To which, after I had already told my sister that I was not going to put up with her shit anymore, I replied, “Ma! Mind your own business, will you? You promised Mare that you would not talk to me, so please, please, go back to your room and let me call an ambulance so I don’t “put anyone out”, OK?”

Hahahaha well, my mom doesn’t like anyone telling her what to do, so she refused and continued to give me a humongous rash of shit, while I was dialing 911! So I got upset and told her to shut up.

I guess “Ma! Shut UP!” was also not something my mother was accustomed to hearing, regardless of her broken promises to leave me alone.

So my sister told me to get out of the house. Now, listen, I pay rent. With my rent, I get full house privileges (except going into other people’s rooms and obvious stuff like that). This includes using the kitchen, bathroom, living room, TV, etc. etc. So I told her “No. I am going to wait here quietly for the ambulance”, (which I had finally successfully called), “and I would appreciate it if you could please get mom to leave me alone.”

Well, Mare didn’t like that. She said that she was going to wake up her husband (Bob) unless I left the house. I told her to go ahead, I had every right to be in the house and wasn’t causing trouble, and again, that I would just ignore my mom and wait for the ambulance.

This wasn’t acceptable either. So she woke up her husband, who also told me to leave the house. I said the same thing to him that I told her and my mother. He said “If you don’t leave this house right now, I will physically remove you from it.” To which I replied, “Go ahead. If you lay one finger on me, I’ll file assault charges against you.”

He backed down, the ambulance arrived, along with a couple of deputies since Bob called 911 on ME (lol).

This is when things got weird(er): Bob and Mare told the cops that I didn’t live there, that I lived in my motor home in the back yard, and that I was not allowed in the house. So the deputies asked me if I lived there, to which I replied “Yes. I live here. I sleep and work on the computer in the motor home, but I have full house privileges included with my rent.”

Well, they told me that I would have to leave the house (???) and told me to give the key to my sister, who had insisted on it. I said “Fine, but I want the key to my motor home that my sister has please.” And I gave my sister the key. My sister said she didn’t know where the key was to my motor home (umm, it was right there on her key ring).

So I got kicked out of the house (illegally, but I wasn’t going to get arrested for disobeying a police officer). The EMT asked if I still wanted to go to the hospital, and I told them “No, I think I should go to the counseling center because I’m having a panic attack and all this stress is making it much worse, but I have no truck because my brother-in-law won’t get it back from the shop and give it to me after I already paid for it.” At which point, one of the deputies offered to give me a ride to the counseling center. Which he did.

But I had to walk home 15 miles, which kinda sucked, and also, there was no crisis counselor on duty at the time, so all in all, it was pretty much a waste of time, except I was finally able to calm down and breathe once I got away from my family and their “in my face” abuse, which is not a very nice thing to get when you’re having a panic attack

So now, I am not allowed in the house, and even though I gave the key back to my sister, they changed the locks (I laughed at this) and even set up “No Trespassing” signs all over the place around the door and porch! Good Lord, this was just so surreal!  I can’t figure out which of them is more paranoid and delusional. I thought it was just my mother, but apparently not

So for telling my mother to shut up, I now have to go to the bathroom in the woods with nothing but newspaper (no toilet paper), have to take showers underneath the garden hose with a bar of soap in my underwear to keep clean, and have to endure the 114F heat inside the motor home (the air conditioner broke years ago, which was another bonus of the house privileges: air conditioning!)

Not a good day. My sister yells at me. My mother yells at me. My brother-in-law yells at me AND threatens me. But I’m the one that has to suffer for it??? This is justice????? I think not.