ThatJimGuy's Blog

I’m feeling much better. My back is no longer hurting and I’m not getting dizzy or depressed and stuff. I think it’s because I ran out of my blood pressure medicine and neglected to get it for like a week. My bad. Not something I want to do again!

Am feeling happier. I bought my daughter a birthday present for the first time in about 13 years, thanks to the generosity of my ex-wife who agreed to put the past behind us and move on She’s great!

Got my daughter and son some late Christmas presents and birthday presents for Jake since he’s 16 today. Will send them to them when they get in. I hope they like them, I tried to get them stuff they wanted or would like (or both)

Anyway, I’m just happy that I can talk to my kids again. Though they are quickly becoming adults now, they will always be my babies and in my heart always. I will always support them as best I can, emotionally, spiritually and financially (although I can’t do much on the latter, I do what I can)

They are the best kids anyone could ask for and I love them both dearly. And I love my ex-wife for being so considerate to me and my feelings, and agreeing not to keep us so separated. We both have grown, for the better, and life is good

Thank you Debbie, Jacob and Arianna! I love you all and always will!

Man, I am just tired ALL the time and don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t know if I’m sick or just depressed (or both). I threw my back out over a week ago, and am still in a great amount of pain. I also blew my budget this month, spending too much on Christmas presents. Maybe it’s just seasonal depression coupled with a cold or the flu and coming down hard on myself for not managing my budget correctly. I get overly excited sometimes, and this is the first year I have been able to get presents for my kids’ birthdays and Christmas since they were 2 and 3 and now they are 15 and soon-to-be 16. I got so excited about being able to get them presents, I spent too much. I’m disabled and don’t get much on SSDI and half of that goes towards my rent. Financial experts state that you should spend no more than 1/3 of your income on rent, so that’s hard just in itself.

I’ll be OK, I’m not gonna starve or anything. I’ve learned how to make very cheap meals (like $1.00/meal) and need to lose weight anyway (lol).

So I guess my New Year’s resolution will be to manage my money better and not get overly “excited” or borderline manic and spend too much on things other than what I need to survive. In short, I have to save money and anything I buy that is considered “luxury” should be from my savings, not my monthly check.

Anyway, I haven’t posted anything in a while, and it’s because my panic attacks have gotten worse and because I am just sooo tired all the time. I’ll try to keep filling in all the missing pieces, especially over the past year or so and hope that this general malaise gets lifted and I can get the things done that need to be done, not lay around feeling terrible all day :-\

I wish everyone who reads this the very best during this holiday season, and if you get seasonal depression like I do, hang in there. I will

~jim

Updated 2009.12.23.19.05.45

I’ve been thinking about this, and it really wasn’t the Christmas presents that caused me to blow my budget, I did budget that correctly. The problem is that I did not allow for “emergency” or “unforseen” bills/charges and indulged in some things I shouldn’t have. For example, I got double billed from my ISP because for some reason, they did not bill me last month, and I did not realize it until I got double billed this month. Also, I have an email account that is paid yearly, and for some reason, the email provider billed me again in December when I think they should have only billed me once per year (I have to check on this). Now for “indulgences”: I ordered pizza twice this month and I normally only do this once per month. I also paid for and downloaded more music than my plan allotted (I didn’t have enough credits to get what I wanted so I bought “booster packs”. I just went kinda nuts on my music downloads. Other things include buying a steak, which I really can’t afford, but I was in a good mood and everything was fine and I thought I could afford it, just like the pizzas. I also got a subscription to Scientific American, which I have not had for years. I really like it and I read it cover to cover, but this, again, was not a “need” this was a “want”. There are many other things I did wrong this month, but basically I went totally against my motto: “Food, Water, Shelter. All else is luxury”. My bad and now I will pay for it. I bought plenty of rice and beans and some pasta on sale, so again, I’m not going to starve, and I do need to lose some weight since I’ve gained a bit because I threw out my back and haven’t been exercising or even walking very much as I usually do.
Also, my doctor put me on some new prescriptions and my psych. changed one of my prescriptions, which I think is one of the major causes of this awful tiredness that I am feeling all the time, no matter how much sleep I get!

I’ll make it. I’ll get over the depression and spend what I have left wisely on food and hope to feel better soon so I can get out and exercise, which is always a mood-booster anyway

I did manage to walk to the store tonight, but when I got home, I threw up, so I do believe that I have the flu, I don’t think it’s just a cold anymore and although a day or two ago, I was feeling better, I think it was premature to think I had fully recovered.

Well, there it is. This is life with panic disorder and how difficult it can be with added complications. Again, I share this because I hope to help others, or at least to let them know that they are not alone, and that despite mistakes, we all can make it just fine. I’m convinced of it, and I will never give up!

~jim